Feeling blue

I’m having one of those nights where I’m feeling very down right now, so please skip this post if you’re not in the mood for whining, because, I assure you, it will contain some a lot.

Ok, you were sufficiently warned and decided to keep reading. Bless your cotton socks. I often find that writing things out helps me, so here goes…

I’m feeling very stretched at the moment, and have found myself just spontaneously crying tonight for no apparent reason. I have to literally tell myself, out loud, that I am lucky to have the things I have in my life. I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, and I should be grateful, but internally my mind is constantly shuffling through the bad things right now.

My major stress factor right now is money. Since the separation and trying to maintain the mortgage on my own, I’ve racked up considerably more debt I can’t afford. My budget is so tight now, that despite cutting back on many things most people don’t even know about, I am left with $5 at the end of every fortnight. This is completely unsustainable, and my need for money is constantly at the forefront of my thoughts. After my ex moved out I needed to refurnish parts of the house and cover legal expenses, so extended my personal loan. Then I had to increase the limit on my credit card. Last week I had to redraw money from my home loan. And now, all of the quarterly bills are arriving and I’m stressed again, wondering how on earth I’m going to pay them all. The companies only give you so many extensions and payment options, and every quarter I exhaust every avenue. I cannot see how I will get out of this hole… The mystery shopping unfortunately hasn’t helped much, and I’m still at the stage where I’m investing in my business so any profit won’t actually come for a while. I have been applying for other jobs that offer more money but haven’t gotten anywhere yet. I’m not asking for anybody’s help, I’m just explaining how much of a huge stress factor this is for me.

My job is not what I want it to be. I’m tired of empty promises and being hopeful of what will come. Enough said.

My family is being ripped apart by alcoholism. My mother is my only salvation, but if she doesn’t start doing things to help herself I’m scared of what will happen to her. I want to rescue her, but can’t seem to get through her stubborn resolve. I think I need to go back to group therapy to cope with what’s happening, yet I can’t seem to find the time during work lunch breaks like I used to. I just want one weekend where things are ok…

I barely have the time to do my studies so have even less time to devote to my already failing business. There is so much I want to do in this space of my life.

I’ve found someone I care a lot about, but the long distance thing makes me feel so lonely. I just want him here.

I find comfort in food. This has been a problem throughout my entire life.

I am having trouble sleeping.

I haven’t stopped crying since I started writing this post.

I don’t know how to get out of this mess of a life I’ve made for myself. I can’t even blame anyone else. I know it is all me and my actions.

I’m not asking for suggestions or sympathy. I don’t want either of those things. I just needed to vent. Thank you, internet, for letting me do so.

*Goes off to blow her nose*

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