Note: This post is more of a personal one and less about books and reading.
It is almost the end of May and lately I’ve been reflecting a lot about what kind of a year I’ve had so far. In summary, it seems to be a year of finding myself again, and reinventing who I am. There are several reasons for this.
A marriage separation just before New Year’s Eve made it a painful start. Even when you’re the instigator of a separation it is not an easy time. There is still a feeling of failure, a feeling of shame at that failure, and a lot of wondering just what the hell is out there for you.
So, the start of the year was awful, but if I’m to take away anything from it, it’s that it helped to find out who my true friends were. I have lost 3 people in my life who I’ve been friends with for many years. Good friends, I thought. But that turned out not to be the case, and although sometimes I still find myself regretting that, I’ve come to realise it’s a good thing. I’m fine without them. Ironically, my ex is not one of those people I lost. Go figure. I also found that others who I barely knew reached out to me. There are some wonderful people in this world.
The leadup to the ex moving out felt like I was in limbo. I didn’t know how I was supposed to be. There was a lot of anger and hurt that passed between us and it made for a very uncomfortable situation. And then, in February when he moved out and I was alone for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t know how to be, again. I would not have gotten through those two months without the friends that did stick it out with me and supported me, and my mother who, despite her own problems, lifted me up, went on a spur of the moment road trip with me, and reminded me what being a strong independent woman looked like.
It leads me to where I am today. I was desperately unhappy with my weight. I have been ashamed to tell anybody what my weight ballooned to, but it frightened me. So I joined Curves a couple of months ago. I now cook healthy and yummy meals and I work out 4 times a week, and I feel like I’m getting some self confidence back. I have also been inspired by some ladies at work to try running. I only started this week, and have only been on two
runs shuffles so far but I love that I’ve even started this, as I never dreamed I’d be able to get myself out the door to do such a thing ‘just because’.
One of my close friends, thecookingchook, inspired me to start blogging again, and to make it my own, and I’m so glad that she did because I had forgotten how much I loved blogging. I’m loving the writing I’m producing at University and am considering going on to do Honours and a PhD. I have never before thought a PhD was possible, but now I really think it’s achievable.
Nothing has been easy of course. Paying a mortgage by myself and no longer having a vehicle have been very challenging (again, thank you Mum for letting me borrow your car as often as I do!). My budget is so ridiculously calculated each fortnight, I have cut back on so many things, but I had to extend my personal loan to refurnish parts of the house and pay my legal costs and things are tighter than ever. But I used these challenges to try and build some good. I clearly needed some extra income as I am barely scraping by, so I’ve signed up to some mystery shopping companies which, while not huge money earners, will hopefully help ease the financial pressure a bit. As I was applying for my ABN for mystery shopping, I thought, why not go ahead and register the business I’ve always wanted at the same time, too, so I did. The website is still being built (www.mkkcomms.com.au), and I have no clients to speak of, but I’ve made a start.
And, I hope that writing it down won’t jinx it, but I think I’ve found someone special to open my heart to 🙂
So maybe, just maybe, 2013 is the year of me?